What dreams may come

Here I'll write dreams I have, I don't dream much as I only sleep 4-5 a hours a night.


1/16/10-Dreamed I was back at the retail store part time. Took a long, came back and told owner to fuck off. Not that exciting of a dream.


1/15/10-Dreamed I went to the house in Morgan Hill to get away from LA for abit. The Hollywood parasites showed up, making excuses as to who invited them, for a party. They could invade my house in LA, but this place was my escape. I was in process of kicking them out, my dad showed up, offered them a beer. I said "Don't be nice, they will never leave". They started drinking everything non-stop. I took it all away, demanding they leave, and watched them go.


1/13/10- Dreamed that my best friend and I were dating, we were at a bar, I slammed down a beer. Some douche vampire looking guy walked up. Informed he was dating her now. She got in my car so I can drive her home, as the new guy was car lees. I said "No". You're seeing him, he can take care of you. She got out. Knowing she was stranded I asked her back. Left cell, and wallet at bar, which tended returned to me. Went to my house, which looked like a green house. All windows, tile floors and plants. Sat on a Queen Anne bench, she said to remove the floor rug that covered a tile section...


1/10/10- Dreamed being at a party, held glasses of wine, didn't drink it. Remembered going to a fridge and opening a beer. I then apologized to the host as I put it back open, saying I would pay him for the wasted beverage, but i just couldn't drink it.

So I went out for the first time after beginning my complete sobriety. It's now been two full weeks! Hit up Das Bunker. Did alot of talking. Well being talked at! I realized why I would get so drunk, so many people offering to buy me drinks. I took up two offers and indulged in diet Cokes. I can't believe I got fuckin wired of diet Coke! Was up till 5am and them awoke at 9am. I have alot of pent up energy that has been muffled by so many passing outs!
I felt awesome, I've lost alot of weight in my face and waist in two weeks of this new lifestyle. My face is changing, thinning out, pores tightening, and my eyes look bigger.
I can't believe I made through the night, but it was a challenge to myself I had to do. Did have alot back up, so many people said how good I looked, and my vanity sucked that up! It's the main reason of this living adjustment. And with the two diet Cokes, people checked up on it. I didn't take a wristband at the door, so it was obvious I wasn't cheating.
What a different feeling than drunk driving up to Lake Hollywood at 3am to swim in 40 degree weather, and then lose half a pair of $300 boots! It was really nice to end an outing without a triple digit bar debt!

Savannah Smiles

Shannon, I miss you so much. You were so fun, freaky, bitchy, stylish! 2 rooms in your house dedicated to clothes and shoes! The Laker games, making fun of people, and all the partying. Yesterday I looked at an acquaintance's pics. And in one pic you were emulated. It looked as beautiful as you. I believe she really respected you.

But since then, I've been up and down with feelings and memories. You were the one that introduced me to that world, your fellow actors, musicians, the whole LA scene. You also introduced me to my first death of a close friend.

It's going on 16 years since you took your life. You thought no one would love you anymore, that your face was all there was. It could've been fixed! You had the touring, and could've made a new video contract! The car crash just pushed the end of a downward spiral, it was not the reason. You WALKED home from it! You were still breathing after you shot yourself! Nancy told me the next day. I prayed to any God you would come out of that coma....but no one heard....

Shannon Michelle Wisley aka Silver, as I first knew her, then Savannah as an actress signed to Vivid, who viciously broke her contract and spread slander about her character, was a dear friend of mine from when I first moved to LA in 1990 to 1994 when she took her life after a car crash.
Purple was her favorite color, and Savannah Smiles was her favorite movie.

The lower pic is Shannon, the upper is Heather Joy's beautiful tribute, that brought me all the memories.

It's a long hard road out of Hell

But when you find it, it is beautiful. Sunday found myself on a photo excursion with Heidi Bluegirl.
This lead us to Eaton Canyon, where a mile up, across streams by rock bridges, we come to a waterfall.

This shit makes staying in on Sat night to get up on Sundays have all the meaning!

A reason for insanity

So it's been over a week of complete sobriety, and that means caffeine, and junk foods as well. It started Jan 2. I'm letting myself detox for 2 weeks, before doing any exorcises outside of walking.

Now for those concerned, I don't feel I was addicted to alcohol, it was just a problem. I didn't crave it, or drink daily. What I would do was not stop when started up, and eand up doing stupid shit! Like driving, other drugs, careless sex, insult people and general meanness. This behavior was predominate in a club or party atmosphere. Plus I gained weight, and dropped tons of money! Alot of parasites are gonna feel this! I would spend more on a weekend than they would make in a paycheck.

This isn't a new idea for me, when I used to hang out with Davey Havok, he would influence me to not drink. He was like my older brother I never had. But he was too beyond my perception. It would've been more real if he just didn't drink, or do drugs. But he worked out everyday and was a vegan. So that made his convictions unreachable for me. But I always envied him for this.

Another influence was my dearest departed friend, Rozz Williams. But in the opposite way. I DIDN'T want to end up like this! But again he was beyond my scope of thought. I watched him slowly put himself to death with drugs, and alcohol, living (dying) everyday in physical pain, till he ended it himself. But I didn't use herione, or wake to drink a plastic handle of vodka per day.

What really got me was I really thought to myself, what happened to the 28 inch waist, 130lb Julian? I knew WTF happened, age and alcohol! So the only cure was dying young, or stop drinking. Well I already did one of those, so now it was time for the later!

A headless chicken can only know where its been, not see where its going

Well I decided to write this year more regularly. I've made a few adjustments, one of which is to go completely sober. It's gotten to a point that has become dangerous, leading to a fiending of other substances, and even driving.

I also consider myself now in a relationship. It's not such a traditional one, but I'm happy, and she keeps me quite occupied, and I'm not out doing stupid stuff. She did my tarot tonight, this is how it went down.

king of cups
which is maturity, creativity, dealing with turbulent emotions and impulses
your going to change emotionallt this year
youll become more focused and well grounded
your going to have to take on a responsibilty which will change you\

3 of cups
which is fun, parties innocent fun
your going to have a fun year

reversed hermit
which also means a change in ways
your going to do a lot of reflecting on important things in your life
your going to become more involved in life in other ways
your money situation is going to change in the future, for the better it looks.

knight of pentacles in reverse
means your going to want greater things and will be eager for advancement
there might be some depression with this feeling
maybe with travelling

knight of pentacles is like an escape card it represents what is ahead of us
your going to meet someone with light brown hair that will important to you
they might influence how you think
i think its going to be a male im not sure
your going to have a really good year it looks like